Sunday, December 6, 2009

December 06, 2009: Commercial Christmas

LOLSCHACH's Journal: December 06, 2009:

According to children at the park, Christmas time is here. Happiness and cheers.

Looked everywhere for meaning of Christmas. Macy's, Kohl's, Veidt-Mart. Nothing. Nothing except angry shoppers arguing over the last Tickle Me Knight Fowl. Purple Basketballs endorsed by Dr. Harlem were recently named by Sports Illustrated as the "it" gift for sports fans everywhere. All Veidt's doing. Bastard. Only comfort is in seeing his movie sitting on shelves, fully stocked and unwanted.

People can't even look LOLSCHACH in the face and wish a Merry Christmas! Instead, hear "Happy Holidays!" What holiday? Who has the power to intimidate people to wish a happy nondescript holiday? Have made list of possible suspects:

Jewish Ninjas?
Islamic Jihadists?
*Islam is a great and true religion revealed in the Holy Koran which was dictated by the angel Gabriel to the final prophet Mohammed, Blessing and Peace be upon him.*
The Meanest Man in Town?

Hurm. Must remember to investigate further.

Remember Christmas the way it used to be, the way it's supposed to be.

Sitting in front of television, watching Animated Christmas special. Green creature (Frankenstein?) attempted to steal Christmas from... can't remember who. Remember it being first case that inspired LOLSCHACH to become crime fighter. Looked forward to solving case and dishing out punishment. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Then MILFSCHACH threw a bottle of Christmas Juice at LOLSCHACH's head. Missed, broke television.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

October 21, 2009: The Mouse Must Die

LOLSCHACH's Journal: October 21, 2009:

Received call from Dreiberg today. Haven't heard from him in quite a while. Found it odd. Rumor he's currently touring the world. Asked LOLSCHACH to ship him chocolate-covered bacon. Fatty.

Denied his request. Told him about new exercise routine LOLSCHACH has started, P90x. Gets LOLSCHACH pumped. Dreiberg did not seem enthusiastic. Quickly changed subject.

"LOLLY (hate that), Have you heard? About the coolest game ever? I mean it's like Disney grew some balls-"

Hung up on Dreiberg immediately. Cannot stand corporate whores. Remind me of Veidt.
Sucker children in young age. Suck the life blood out of Americans. Get them hooked on inferior products.

Veidt. Hate him.

Remember good old days of Disney. Important Part of LOLSCHACH's youth. Now Disney shills out whores with identity conflicts and boys who preach abstinence while grinding against their guitars.

Decide Disney must be stopped once and for all. Decide to be ironic and cause the Mouse to fall to his death like so many others.

But first, must do some research. Seems the Mouse had embarrassed himself in a recent incident, revealing to the masses that he had been playing them like a harp from hell. Public quickly forgot. But LOLSCHACH never forgets.

Look for Disney's next step after previous incident. Codenamed "Epic Disney".

Wow. Impressed. All is forgiven, Disney.

Monday, September 14, 2009

September 15, 2009: The Mercy of LOLSCHACH

LOLSCHACH's Journal: September 15, 2009

Tonight is the night. Cannot abide Veidt's wrong-doings any longer. Will end him tonight. No distractions. Veidt must die for the good of mankind. For the good of LOLSCHACH. Slow night, anyway.

Night has fallen. Under cover of darkness, hop gate into front yard of Cinnamon Sprinkles Manor. Why Veidt chose to name mansion such a thing, LOLSCHACH may never understand.

Approach study. Prepare to launch SCHACH-erang through window, burst into study, catch Veidt by surprise and end him with firepoker through eye-socket.

Remember there is no such thing as SCHACH-erang. Stupid idea. Use front door, instead. Veidt gave LOLSCHACH spare keys earlier this year.

Enter manor. Begin creeping down hall toward study. Hear strange noise. Unearthly. Tragic. The sound of...a grown man crying?

Peek through crack in door into study. Veidt is on knees at the feet of his life-size Patrick Swayze statue. Veidt is sobbing uncontrollably. Weeping a streaming torrent of tears into shimmering puddle, pooling at Swayze's marble toes.

Heard the news. Patrick Swayze has died this day. He is now a ghost. Like in that movie. Can't remember title. "Point Break"?

Had forgotten Veidt's everlasting emotional bond with Swayze. Has taken death hard. Veidt is weak. Defenseless. Could dispatch him now.

No. This is not LOLSCHACH's way. Have been adversaries with Veidt for decades. Ending him in such a manner would be...anticlimactic.

Besides, Veidt is suffering. Veidt's suffering pleases LOLSCHACH. Veidt is likely praying for Swayze's spirit to come to him, perhaps while he is making pottery. Hurm.

Leave Cinnamon Sprinkles Manor. Will return another night. Final showdown with Veidt has been postponed.

September 14, 2009: Veidt Sighting

LOLSCHACH's Journal: September 4, 2009:

Have been busy. No time to collect notes on congressman's health-care "Town Hell" meeting.

Have just enough time to post breaking news. Been monitoring New York Fashion Week, expecting Veidt to surface. Felt likely. Not sure why.

Unpleasant experience. Am more at home in ghettos and dive bars. Better class of people. Tend to leave fashionistas to their heroin and appletinis.

But sometimes, patience rewarded.

See here. Photographic proof.

Hiding behind assumed identity and dark glasses, true. But who else could it be? Thought he could fool LOLSCHACH by leaving off his trademark "V" cufflinks.

Hurm. LOLSCHACH is no fool.

Cool breeze last night, like icy groans of Lucifer from pit of Inferno. Reminded me of holes in overcoat. Fall approaching. Possibly time to update look? Must remember to investigate.

Friday, September 4, 2009

September 4, 2009: Government Plan

LOLSCHACH’s Journal: September 4, 2009:

Went to newsstand, picked up today’s Morning Minuteman. Saw editorial, stuck between advertisements for disaster survival kits and Bible prophecy videos. Said congressman would be holding “town hall” meeting this weekend. Would be asking constituents for feedback on health-care reform. Editorial called on readers to show up in force, voice opposition to “government plan.”

Hurm. LOLSCHACH does not share some right-wingers’ blanket distaste for government plans. Was always fond of Manhattan Project. Even approved of adulterer Kennedy’s plan to beat Communists to moon. Liked Star Wars.

Still, many government plans terrible. For example, despise Jack Bauer. Bad planning. Mollycoddles terrorists. Sometimes even lets them live.

Am now planning to attend this “town hall” meeting, investigate this “government plan.” Congressman is liberal smooth-talker. Will enjoy seeing him heckled by honest men, men like my father and President Truman, who believe in a day’s work for a day’s pay. But will also be glad if hecklers turn violent: will justify my use of force in subduing them. Possibly a can’t-lose scenario?

Good plan.

Spent evening hunting for purse-snatchers. Success. Many credit cards. Used one to order disaster survival kit.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

September 02, 2009: Veidt's Whereabouts.

LOLSCHACH's Journal: September 02, 2009:

Been a rough summer. Blake seems to have dropped off the face of the earth, rumors swirl of his daughter's affair with a Congressman or possibly working at a "gentlemen's club" in New Orleans. Whore. No clue on whereabouts of Dreiberg, possibly still at an all you can eat buffet. Went to investigate Veidt at his penthouse. Found something of interest among all of toys used for sexual pleasure. Blueprints dealing with time travel.

No, not like this.

Or this:

More like it:

No doubt Veidt has gone back in time for many reasons. Improve ticket sales of his abysmal film, introduce pederasty as an essential right in American culture, influence Baum to include him as character in OZ series. Must be stopped.

Will look for a means to investigate further.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

September 01, 2009: PBS Town

LOLSCHACH's Journal: September 01, 2009.

Sent twelve prepubescents to the emergency room before lunch. Four were stripping cars. Six were mugging. Two were raping. Hurm. American youth. Gone down toilet. These punks are the future of this country? Not happy.

Need reassurance American youth can be salvaged. Decide to take a trip to PBS Town, the last place in America where children are brought up right, properly educated and grown into constructive members of society.

Decide to take trolly to Imagination Land first and visit Mr. Rogers. Good friend back in the old days. Taught LOLSCHACH how to use imagination to solve everyday problems, like where to hide the bodies. Unfortunately, visit is short.

Hurm. Depressing. Can't be helped. Rogers was possible homosexual, anyway.

Next stop: the Reading Rainbow in the sky. To get there, LOLSCHACH must fly twice as high.

No need. Reading Rainbow has been cancelled, apparently. Show cultivated love of reading in America's youth. Unfortunately, majority of America's youth do not know how to read, thus rendering Reading Rainbow obsolete.

Damn. Now nothing will keep Lavarr Burton off the streets. Will be keeping eye on him.

Saved most important stop for last: Seseme Street. Last remaining vestage of morality and education in American entertainment. Concerned. Last time LOLSCHACH visited Seseme Street was 1991. Upon leaving, noticed Grover observing animated primetime television program marketed toward adults.

Brushed it off at time. Certainly nothing could currupt the wholesome neighborhood of Seseme Stree--

Damn. It is small mercy that Jim Henson did not live to see Seseme Street become a ghetto.

PBS Town is beyond saving. Will have to cleanse it. Not with lessons learned from PBS Town: reading, writing, arithmatic. But with lessons learned on street: fire.

Monday, August 31, 2009

August 31, 2009: Psychotics (Update)

LOLSCHACH's Journal: August 31, 2009:

Did not catch any madmen last night. Had to make do with intoxicated fraternity boys leaving Happy Harry's. One of them was wearing polo shirt with popped collar. Popped his neck.

Have been coming to Happy Harry's more frequently in recent weeks. Always someone there who deserves to be terrorized. Refreshing. Takes edge off disappointments of day.

Sometimes, want to go where everybody knows your name.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

August 30, 2009: Psychotics

LOLSCHACH's Journal: August 30, 2009:

Night before last, checked glue trap in Park Place alley. Arrived too late. Thief had escaped. Did not leave many clues: fake Rolex, left arm, blood. Disappointing. Followed blood trail to nearby emergency room. Hurm. Must remember to investigate.

Yesterday, checked my drop. Received cryptic message. Postcard told me to "catch Mad Men this Sunday night." Probably warning from employee at insane asylum who has caught wind of escape plan. (Possibly my old therapist, Dr. Melvin Stout? Unlikely. Informant's initials are "amc.") Employee tried to warn his superiors. Shunted aside by bureaucracy. Knows the system is powerless to stop those who play by their own rules. Knows the bureaucrats' system is as mad and meaningless as rantings of the men in padded cells. Self-obsessed, like dog chasing own tail. Unmoored from black-and-white of objective reality.

Must remain vigilant throughout Sunday. Must catch these "madmen," put away the nightmares so that the other madmen, the madmen with lab coats and badges and three-piece suits, can retreat into their delusional dreamworld. Will be prowling rooftops while they sit in their snug homes, anaesthetizing selves with their heroin needles and "mature" cable television.

Only LOLSCHACH has the strength to face world as it really is.

Only LOLSCHACH is not mad.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

August 27, 2009: Never Compromise

LOLSCHACH's Journal: August 27, 2009:

Yesterday, discovered efficient new way to apprehend neighborhood thieves. Involves fake bank bags and superglue. Got idea while looking at mice caught in glue trap. Obvious, really. Saved time. Gave me first spare half-hour I've had in weeks. Checked blog. Surprised to find comments. Anonymous readers concerned LOLSCHACH had quit.

Sickening thought. Invited comparison with Dreiberg. Very bad.

Have not quit. Could not quit. Compelled. But have been busy. Taking time to blog about current activities would leave too little time to carry them out. Too little time to investigate. Too few punishments to inflict. Would force me to compromise.

Will never compromise. Even in the face of Armageddon.

Appreciate your recent support, but Veidt has vanished, and headlines are meshing like gears of giant clock, approaching midnight.

Hurm. Think I hear distant whining. Possible coming from alley behind Park Place? Seem to remember leaving glue trap there. Must take Babysitter and investigate.

Like MacArthur, shall return. Will leave you with comment I posted to July 12 entry:
Busy summer. Heat brings out vermin like worms after August rain. Carjackings, burglaries, reality TV shows spread like mildew in the stagnant humidity. There are so many deserving of retribution. And there is so little time to blog about it.

Still have many questions to investigate. Veidt disappeared 57 days ago. Dreiberg, Uranjek, Blake all lying low. Disturbing pattern emerging. Again, higher priority than blog.

Been almost two months since last journal entry. Thought nobody cared but me. Wrong. Anonymous messages indicate readers noticed. Hurm.

Anonymous readers: You are good friends. I am sorry that it is sometimes difficult.

Will resume updates when possible. Nothing is hopeless. Not while there's life.

Be seeing you. Keep out of trouble.