May 18, 2009: Seusschach Goes Hollywood

Excerpt from "SEUSSCHACH Goes Hollywood and Other Tales", originally published October 22, 1974.

It was a dark, lonely night and Veidt’s face was quite long,
Shouting over and over, “Where did I go wrong?

“My life’s halfway through and I’ve done nothing of merit,
A nobody forever? I simply can't bear it!”

So he pondered and thought and when he was through,
He sprang to his feet, “I know just what I’ll do!

“I’ll make a movie that’s about nothing but me!
Millions will go watch it and then they will see,

“How awesome I am and that Seusschach’s a big prick!
For accuracy’s sake, I’ll add a huge glowing dick!”

And with his film’s cast in mind, Veidt ran out the door,
He’d need a crazy, a fatty, a god and a whore.

He gathered them up, but they weren’t hard to find,
He’d written the parts with his friends all in mind.

Seusschach first refused, thinking Veidt’s script was weak,
“I die at the hands of a glowing blue freak!?”

But Veidt promised Seusschach he’d be back in ‘Part 2’,
“You’re too popular to kill off! No really, it’s true!”

An extra zero on his check, Seusschach shot the scene,
Veidt shouting all the while, “You’re the next Steve McQueen!”

A year and a half later, the movie was played,
But the returns were so bad, nobody got paid!

Veidt’s movie had bombed, but he had worse things to fear,
Seusscach was outside screaming, “Open up, you queer!

“I’ve got a bat in my hands, so prepare to be trounced,
Unless you can tell me why my paycheck just bounced!”

And so he beat Veidt to death, crying, “You cheapskate! You bum!
“I knew it would flop; there were script problems from Day One!”

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LOLSCHACH's Journal: May 18, 2009

Odd how the chronicles of Uncle Seusschach so closely resemble the life and times of LOLSCHACH. Suspicious. Precognition involved somehow? Must investigate Seusschach's personal life more thoroughly.

January 27, 1960: Green Cubes and Beans

Excerpt from "Green Cubes and Beans" by Dr. Seusschach, originally published January 27, 1960:


Seusschach was fighting crime at the local bar,
When in stepped Dreiberg who had come from afar.

Dreiberg went to Seusschach and looked up and said,
"You simply won't believe what I've just been fed!

"A glorious meal by all manner and means:
A piping-hot platter of green cubes and beans!"

"Hurm", replied Seusschach. "That sounds gross, wretched and sick.
I would not eat such a dish; not even one lick!"

But Dreiberg loved his food and had to have his way,
So he grabbed Seusschach's shoulder and started to say,

"Would you, could you, in this saloon?
Amid all the dirt, dankness and gloom?"

Seusschach was annoyed, but tried to stay calm.
He turned to Dreiberg and held up his palm.

"I would not, could not, in this saloon.
Now leave me be, you obese buffoon!"

But Dreiberg was convinced Seusschach was all wrong,
One way or another, he'd eat them before long!

Then Seusschach stepped outside and found Dreiberg there waiting,
With a herpes-ridden hooker whom he'd been dating.

"Would you, could you, with this whore?
You could eat them off the floor!"

Seusschach knit his brow and began to get pissed,
What part of "Fuck off" did Dreiberg somehow miss?

"I would not, could not, with that bitch!
The more you ask, the more I twitch!

"I would not eat them in that bar!
I'd sooner eat a bowl of tar!

"I do not and could not like green cubes and beans,
No more than I could like a retarded kid's screams!"

Then Seusschach scaled a building and climbed to the roof,
Dreiberg could not bug him if he just stayed aloof.

But Seusschach saw something that just made him snap:
Dreiberg was right there with his platter of crap!

"Would you, could you, thirteen stories up?
C'mon, I've seen you drink piss from a cup!"

Instead of a rhyme, Seusschach let out a snarl,
Then grabbed Dreiberg by the throat and screamed a mad "RRAAARRL!"

Dreiberg had just pressed his luck and now he would suffer,
Seusschach never compromises, not even for supper!

"I would not, could not, with a slut!
Not on a roof or in a beer hut!

"I'll break both your arms and step on your spleen!
And I'll never eat your green cubes and beans!"

Bones splintered and broken, Dreiberg was left howling,
But all Seusschach could hear was his own stomach growling!

So he picked up a cube and gave it a bite,
"Hurm", he said. "Hey Dreiberg, this shit tastes alright."

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LOLSCHACH's Journal: May 06, 2009

Another one of my favorite childhood books written by uncle Seusschach. Gave a copy to Dreiberg for his birthday, last year. He didn't like it. Illiterate tub of lard. Greased his staircase in retaliation.

August 03, 1957: Wubbulous

Excerpt from "The Wubbulous World of Dr. Seusschach", published August 03, 1957.

Veidt had an evil scheme he'd been plotting for months,
So Seusschach rushed right out to go stop him at once!

He hurried to Veidt's base at the peak of Mount Crumpet,
Veidt knew he was coming, but thought nothing of it.

Seusschach kicked the door in and found Veidt reclining,
To break all Veidt's bones is what he'd been pining!

Slowly Veidt stood up, his adversary now met,
Predictable as ever, Seusschach sounded a threat:

"You are no hero! You are only a clown!
You are a madman! A dog! You must be put down!"

And then Veidt chortled loudly, "Seusschach...You jest!
You came all the way here to put me to rest?!"

"You cannot thwart my plan. It's over! It's finished!
I did it one half hour ago...plus five minutes!"

Seusschach then felt a rage like none felt before,
A rage never induced by punk, thug or whore!

Burning up inside, he lunged fiercely at Veidt,
And so they engaged in a terrible fight!

To the balcony they fought, Veidt leading the stride,
But Seusschach was not beat; he kicked Veidt off the side!

Veidt clung to the edge, but was losing his grip,
He pouted and sobbed, yet continued to slip!

Veidt then gazed upward, crying "Save me, my foe!"
Seusschach looked back down and just whispered "No."

Veidt shrieked like a girl as he fell from the pulpit,
It was a five mile drop from the peak of Mount Crumpet!

To lose to a vagrant; Veidt had not forseen that,
But his musings were cut short by a THUD! and a SPLAT!

Seusschach was content having now saved the day,
Then he heard a DING! coming from kitchen's way!

Baked for thirty-five minutes was Veidt's "evil" plan:
A delectable cake made from real marzipan!

"Hurm", Seusschach said. "I guess I made a mistake.
But since Veidt's not around, I'll help myself to some cake."

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LOLSCHACH's Journal: April 27, 2009

Always enjoyed Uncle Seusschach's books as a child. LOLSCHACH's adulthood shaped by their valuable lessons: "No compromises", "Dogs get put down" and "Always OK to kill Veidt".

Morals to live by.