Friday, May 1, 2009

May 01, 2009: Documentaries

LOLSCHACH's Journal: May 01, 2009

Looking for Marduk. Visit Happy Harry's for answers. Approach first person sitting at bar and slam head against counter-top. Man cries. Tell him it won't stop until LOLSCHACH gets answers. Between sobs, tells me to go to local gym. Thank him for his information, then slam his head again. Tip bartender. Give him $20 to continue slamming man's head against table in my absence. Will be back later to see if he did good job.

Walk across street to Jillian's Gym and Bakery. Enter. Man at desk asks for membership card. Slam his head against mirror. LOLSCHACH needs no membership card to enforce head-slamming justice. Slam man's head a second time. A third. A fou-

Oh. I do belong to this gym. Forgot. Show man LOLSCHACH's membership card. Man burbles something unintelligible and slams face first on floor.

Lots of slamming going on, today.

No sign of Marduk. Man at bar was lying. Heading for exit, pass by basketball court. Then I see him dribbling a basketball like he got game.

Recognize jiggling blob. Recall documentary made in early 90s about Jeff Goldblum's battle against genetically engineered dinosaurs.

Samuel L. Jackson was eaten by raptor. Odd. A few years later, another documentary showed him being eaten by a shark. Continuity errors in documentaries? Must look into this.

Whatever the case, recall crimes perpetrated by fat slob. Stole something from lizards. Can't remember what. Never finished watching. Residents of apartment came home, apparently disapproving that I was watching their TV, eating their leftover wedding cake and burning photo albums for warmth. Ungrateful vermin.

Never finished movie, but since world is not overrun by dinosaurs, presume Jeff Goldblum was triumphant. Shame he was later turned into fly and murdered by Geena Davis.

Geena Davis. Saw other documentary about her. Married Alec Baldwin. Died. Hired Michael Keaton to rape Winona Ryder. Giant worms were involved. And a fat guy.

Fat guy.

Had forgotten about fat guy. Stole items from dinosaurs. Must be brought to--

Look down. Have apparently killed fat man with garden hose while reminiscing about documentaries. Hurm. Completely lost track of what I was doing.

Garden hose? Gambrel rooftops? Plastic gnomes? Where am I?

Decide to stuff fat man's body in shed (which I am apparently standing next to) and leave. Quickly.

1 comment: