Monday, March 30, 2009

March 30, 2009: Chocovania

LOLSCHACH's Journal: March 30, 2009

Follow-up on General Mills case.

Got lift from Dreiberg to the darkest regions of fabled Chocovania. Dreiberg initially resistent. Sang different tune at sound of "chocolate". Hurm. Why is it that the largest men have the smallest amount of willpower?

Dropped me off at front gates of Coco Castle.

Coco Castle. The twisted resting place of the undead menace superstitious villagers call Count Chocula. Have come prepared. Brought chocopire hunting kit. Kit filled with holy water, garlic, wooden stakes, communion wafers, silver crucifixes and-

Damn. Grabbed vampire hunting kit by mistake. These weapons are useless against a chocopire.

Luckily, brought emergency reserves. Marshmallows and graham crackers in coat pockets. Dreiberg ate most of them, but managed to retain a handful.

With inventory checked, I move toward the castle's entrance; a great toothy maw, like that of a howling wolf. As I tread over the rotten planks of the lowered drawbridge, can hear the squirming and squishing sounds of unspeakable creatures oozing from the moat below. Can glimpse slimey, green tentacles stretching out from the pitch darkness. Like something from Japanese cartoon, except no elementary school girls to be deflowered.

Take first steps into Coco Castle. With speed most unexpected, drawbridge rises behind me, sealing me inside. Hear faint laughter echoing from the bowels of the dank fortress. Chocula was expecting me.

Adversary wastes no time in dispatching minions to deal with me. Two figures, abominations unto nature, shamble forth from the corridoors ahead of me.

One is a dusty, ancient corpse wrapped in bright, multi-colored bandages. Was once the consort of a great Pharoah, until fell from his liege's favor and was mummified alive. Now a moaning, hobbling creature of darkness forced to bend to the whims of a new master.

Yummy Mummy.

The second of Chocula's henchmen is more intimidating than the last. A hulking beast with slavering jaws lined with teeth like rusty nails. Coated in dark fur matted with blood and filth. Clad in colorful overalls which leave little to the imagination. Stories say he was once a guard dog named Chip, who guarded a cookie depository from burglars. Went rabid. Mauled the employees to death. Was put down. Came back from the grave as a lumbering canine monstrosity whose hunger for cookies eclipsed only by hunger for human flesh.

Fruit Brute.

Came to castle prepared only for battle with chocopire. Had not anticipated doing battle with such colorful, fruity foes. Stupid.

Being the quicker of the two, Fruit Brute makes first move. Lunges at me, leaving trail of slobber glistening in the moonlight. Too fast. Fruit Brute seizes me by the neck and with one arm, drives me straight through rotten planks of raised drawbridge. Gasping for air now. Glance beneath dangling feet. Pit of unspeakable, writhing creatures directly below me.


Reach toward LOLSCHACH-shaped hole in drawbridge and snap off chunk of splintered wood. With single motion, drive jagged shiv directly into Fruit Brute's left eye. Behemoth releases my neck. Tumble toward pit. Grab onto bottom of hole in drawbridge. Fruit Brute still yelping in pain. Reach up and grab the wolf by his overall strap. Fruit Brute already off balance. One good tug sends him reeling over the edge and into the moat of tentacled nightmares below.

Climb over sharp, splintering hole and back into castle. No time for rest. Yummy Mummy already waiting for me. Pink-clad Egyptian zombie grabs me by coat collar and, effortlessly, hurls me from the floor to a height of twenty feet. Can feel myself slam against a large chandelier and, in less than a second, slam even harder against the solid, unforgiving stone floor.

Dazed. In pain. Room spinning. Yummy Mummy is slow, but in current condition, might as well be faster than a speeding bullet.

The shambler is already upon me. Stumble back, narrowly avoiding another swipe of his dusty, bandaged mit. Tumble backward and into wall. Nowhere to go. Slowly but surely, Yummy Mummy closes gap between us. Distracted by sharp pain in back. Hit that chandalier hard.

Of course.

Look to the left. Nothing. Look to the right. There. Tied to a hook: the rope holding the chandalier above ground. Yummy Mummy is unaware of clever plan. Brain pulled out through nose centuries ago. Fumble with knot of rope. Head swimming. Hard to think straight. Yummy Mummy draws closer.

Got it.

The chandalier drops like a meteorite. Yummy Mummy practically evaporates beneath its crushing weight. Reduced to cloud of dust and tattered bandages.

Lean against wall. Catch breath. Can hardly stand. Sound like bellowing laughter echos from deep within the crypts of the castle.

Job not finished. Must send Count Chocula back to Hell.

Break time over. Time to journey into the labryinthine depths of Coco Castle.


No comments:

Post a Comment