March 31, 2009: Crypts of Coco Castle

LOLSCHACH's Journal: March 31, 2009

Battle with Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy has left me depleted of energy. Battered. Bruised. But not beaten.

Not yet, anyway.

But defeat is assured unless wounds can be healed before facing next wave of Count Chocula's minions, much less Chocula-himself.

Frustrated. Angry. In moment of rage, punch stone wall. Stone block crumbles upon impact, revealing secret compartment containing roast chicken. Devour chicken. Full health is restored.

This is logically sound.

Now ready to face any horror Count Chocula can throw at me. Eventually find steps winding downward into crypts of Coco Castle. No doubt the resting place of Count Chocula. Descend down spiralling staircase.

Eventually reach crypts. Walls are dripping with stagnant, swampy water. The slimey walls are adorned with skeletons, still bearing their shackles. A menagerie of horror, as far as the eye can see.

Feel something.

A faint, ominous chill running up spine. Arms become rigid with goose flesh. Hairs on back of neck raise like entranced cobras. There is a presence haunting these corridors. Cannot be seen, but can be felt just the same. The torches lining the hall slowly dim. A thick, blue mist reeking of untold centuries of death and decay oozes from cracks and nitches in walls.

From out of the shroud, a shape begins to form. A vague, spectral shape only faintly implying the form of a man. The phantom is adorned with accessories from life long past. A vaudeville hat and bowtie. Heard of him. Was once famous stage performer from turn of century. Comedian. Times changed. He didn't. Years passed. No longer considered funny. Audience stopped laughing. Then, they stopped coming. Desperate. Depressed. Hung self on stage. Final performance.

Boo Berry.

The luminous blue spectre floats toward me. Through me. Blood runs cold. Heart stops for an instant. Experience a pain beyond description. Can feel actual years draining from own lifespan. Drop to one knee. Another attack like that could kill me. Will kill me.

Look back. Boo Berry watches me with dull, tragic look in eyes. Were I anyone else, might pity his pathetic existence. But I am LOLSCHACH. Boo Berry gets no such quarter.

Stumble onto both feet and reel in his direction. Drive fist inbetween sad dopey eyes. Knuckles pass right through him. Like fighting puff of smoke. Can feel blood in fist turn to ice. Yank arm back and move a few steps away. Fingernails fell off.

Cannot defeat ghost by punching it or setting it on fire. And that's all I'm good at. Hurm.

Boo Berry hovers toward me. One more pass and I will become like him, only with a better hat. Cannot fight non-corporeal entity. Must try alternative. Speak to it in language vaudeville comedian would understand.

"Heard joke once. Man goes to see doctor. Says, 'Doctor, I need help. I broke my funny bone.' Doctor laughs. Says, 'But sir, there's not such thing as a funny bone.' Man insists that funny bone is broken. Demands x-rays. Doctor concedes and performs x-rays. Man waits in office. Doctor observes x-rays and returns. Man says, 'So is my funny bone broken?' Doctor says, 'No, but you do have AIDs'."

...No. Not right.

Doctor says, "No, but you have...Cancer?"

Damn. Forgot punchline. Good joke, though. Hurm.

Look around. Boo Berry gone. Nothing comedians hate more than bad jokes. Mist disipates and I can see down hall.

Wish I couldn't. Spot large, pink creature lumbering in my direction. The floor quakes with his every step. Creature is manmade afront to nature. Ghoulish patchwork of human body parts and steam-powered machinery. Offensive to the eye. Heard of it. Created by Count Chocula-himself as personal bodyguard. Assembled from history's greatest monsters. Talons of the Beast of Gevaudan. Fangs of the Chupacabra. Stomach of Jeffrey Dahmer. Blood-soaked skin of Lady Bathory. Legs of Walt Disney. All powered by coal furnice installed in back of skull.

Franken Berry.

With single swipe from massive, boulder-sized fist, the entire castle shivers. Large stones dislodge from ceiling and threaten to crush me. Move as fast as I can, but encounter with Boo Berry has left me weak.

Suddenly, Franken Berry stops and inhales a deep, menacing breath. Must have lungs of Superman. Whistle on right side of skull begins to sound. Something is coming.

The coal furnice ignites and an onslaught of flame spews forth from the patchwork creature's mouth. Dive to ground, narrowly avoiding incineration. Can feel back of jacket singe.

Stand back up. Franken Berry inhales for another round. Reach into pocket for marshmallows. Had intended to use these on Count Chocula, but left with no alternative. Hurl marshmallows at Franken Berry. Heat from previous fire blast melts marshmallows instantly upon impact with face. Gooey mass oozes over eyes.

Franken Berry stumbles back, loses focus and releases burst of flame directly overhead. Roof comes tumbling down on top of him, burying him beneath ton after ton of stone.

Crawl over pile of rubble and make way down hall. Should be last of the Count's minions. Nothing now between Chocula and me.

But first, must find another roast chicken.

TO BE CONCLUDED...