Sunday, March 29, 2009

March 30, 2009: General Mills Massacre

LOLSCHACH's Journal: March 30, 2009

Been following General Vladimir Mills for past week.

War criminal. Occult enthusiast. Known practitioner of the forbidden arts. Possible homosexual.

As always, I investigate further.

General Mills is up to something. Something sinister and beyond the ken of mortal men. Mills is playing with forces he cannot possibly comprehend. This will only end one way for him. Messy. Bloody. Lots of cavities.

Track Mills to abandoned cookie depository. Place left to rot after guard dog, Chip, went insane and mauled employees to death, thinking they were burglars.

Arrive too late. Place is quiet as the grave. Apt description. General Mills is dead. Archaic symbols hand-drawn in chalk all over floor indicate he attempted to summon something dark and unholy. Meddling with forces no human could ever fathom, much less control.

Mills is lying stomach down in the dust, dirt and decay. Roll corpse over. Cadaver is pale as a sheet and withered like ten thousand year-old mummy. Eyes sunken in and shrivled like raisens. Locate two small punctures on neck, near jugular. Cause of death is clear.

This man has been sucked of all his chocolate.

There is only one culprit capable of such a blood-curdling grotesquery and it isn't the Silly Rabbit. He's been locked up in rehab since '92.

No. It could only be the work of...

...Count Chocula.

Legend has it he was killed two hundred years ago by a baker named Wendell, taking vengeance for the murder of his two closest friends.

Seems the legends fell short of reality. Count Chocula survived. Or perhaps General Mills, in his folley, resurrected the scourge of the Carpathians.

Doesn't matter. LOLSCHACH's mission is clear. Will put Chocula back in the any means necessary.

Head to Dreiberg's. Will need Archie to take me to the darkest regions of Chocovania, where lies the ruined fortress of darkness known only as Coco Castle.

Time is of the essence.


  1. >.<
    Awesome! Just...don't have words for that. xD
    Count Chocula...I'm dead.*laughs*
    Another great entry, just for cold and rainy day. I really appreciate your work you're doing on this blog. It's really great and funny.
    I can't wait to read about the travel to Chocovania...

  2. OH SNAP.

    Dead General Mills!? Count Chocula!?!?!?

    You must get to the bottom of this.