March 27, 2009: Hawaii Visit

LOLSCHACH's JOURNAL: March 27, 2009

Planned to spend the day catching youths responsible for filming bum fight videos when Dreiberg called. Said that he thought I needed much needed vacation: wanted to take Owlship to Hawaii for weekend of relaxation.

Probably wanted to make amends for awkward situation that occurred on March 23.

Vacation. Luxury for a class of people who don't worry about good and evil, crime and punishment. For LOLSCHACH, no such thing as "time off."

Reminds me of time when Moloch wasn't born-again Christian. Devised strategy to turn super-heroes into toddlers. Complicated, will not elaborate. Veidt seized opportunity, as always, to turn horrific incident into commercial profit by targeting children.

Dreiberg promises plenty of crime to be fought in Hawaii. Hurm. Not so sure.

Owlship is modestly comfortable transport. Dreiberg asks if I want to watch in-flight movie, says Veidt loaned it to him for the weekend. Long flight, he says, 10 hours. Roll film.

In-flight movie makes LOLSCHACH more nauseous than the turbulence of the Owlship. Mary-Sue characters in a celluloid playground for fangirl fantasies.  Cast of film reminds LOLSCHACH of Hot-Topic robbery foiled last week. 

What has become of vampires? LOLSCHACH remembers glory days when vampires were free of nail polish and eyeliner, feared by women, terrors of the night. Bloodsucking monsters, pale faced undead. Now, wear mascara and spend hours looking pretty. Live in girls' fantasies. Abercrombies of the night. Suck on something else, perhaps. 

Slept rest of way. Woke up in Hawaii, on island of Oahu.

Dreary place. Dreiberg lied: no crime, no evil. Sunshine all the time, blue skies. Cursory glance at population reveals asians and whites living in peace and harmony. Hispanics and blacks are endangered species, virtually nonexistant. Plenty of military personnel ensure island's safety from future Japanese bombings. 

Dreiberg decides to go out in Beach Owl costume. Mild climate good for LOLSCHACH, do not have to change clothes. Muscular barbarian with platinum blonde bikini girl points at LOLSCHACH's scarf, laughs. 

Bury the brute in sand, wait for tide to come in. Girl screams, amazed by LOLSCHACH's speed and technique. Still got it.

Hawaiians a friendly people. Walk beach and city for hours, no crime to be found. 4:10 pm: ahobo begins to jaywalk, squats in gutter and defecates. His meal of whisky and rotten sandwiches floats down the gutter, the last remnants of true scum in this town. Keep walking, see inside shops. Only crime is a $8.99 Tiki mug with "Hawaii" carved at its base: underneath, "Made in China" sticker reveals the treachery of the shopowner.

8:00 pm: Attend luau.

Native Hawaiians entice tourists with bountiful buffet showcasing typical Hawaiian fare: Mahi Mahi, crab legs, assorted vegetables, pit-roasted pig, McDonald's Chicken Nuggets, and small coconut squares that act as good laxative. Must remind Dreiberg to buy toilet paper later. 

Man blows on conch shell, signaling the start of the night's entertainment. Women wait in eager anticipation for their male dancers: tall, bronze, 6'1, muscular, broad-shouldered Hawaiian warriors.

Men eagerly await their dancers:  tall, bronze, 6'1, muscular, broad-shouldered Hawaiian warriors. Must remember never to attend another luau sponsored by Veidt International.

10:30 pm: Return to beach, see Dreiberg passed out next to fat girl in Twilight shirt with Mickey Mouse full-bodied towel complete with mouse-ears. Tell Dreiberg Hawaii no fun, nothing to do. Must go back to the city. Dreiberg complies, grudgingly. As Archie lifts off, coconut squares take effect and nature calls. It is a soothing call: the call of filth and depravity and the need for justice, swift and pure like the textured, ultra-absorbent white surface of triple ply toilet paper.