Friday, March 20, 2009

March 20, 2009: Merchandising

LOLSCHACH's JOURNAL: March 20, 2009

Receive check for $7.75 from Veidt International. Hurm. Royalty check for likeness rights. A monthly reminder of poor decision made during inexperienced youth. Stupid. Will regret forever. Check not even enough to buy lunch at Quizno's.

1985. Approached by Adrian Veidt.

Smooth talker. Intellectual. Always hated his kind. Hated them slightly less, then.

Veidt exploits that weakness. Tells me Drieberg and other Watchmen are signing likeness rights to him. Merchandising is lucrative. All other masked heroes doing it. Won't make LOLSCHACH any less feared by criminal scum.

Three months later. Walk down girl's aisle at local Toys 'r' Us. Find this:





Sold likeness to Hasbro. Going to kill Veidt. Going to kill him and chop him up and grind him up and feed him to Bubastis.

Go home. Try to simmer down. Turn on TV. Saturday morning. Nothing but cartoons on. Cartoons in which military officers dressed in homoerotic uniforms do battle with so-called "terrorists". Terrorist schemes involve etching face of leader onto moon with giant laser and challenging heroes to game of football to determine ownership of America. Ridiculous tripe. Cannot abide it. Miss Space Ghost & Dino Boy.

NBC Saturday morning line-up disappoints. Change channel to ABC. See this:



Words fail me. Veidt also sold likeness to Filmation. Saturday morning Watchmen animated series is crime in and of itself. Drieberg does not like to "party down". Activities involved in "partying" too strenuous and similar to exercise. Will not comment on misinterpreted relationship between Comedian and Silk Spectre. Veidt presented as "crime solving superstar".

Molten, volcanic rage surges through entire body. Cannot fathom level of roaring, primal hatred anymore concentrated than that which I feel now.

Then I see this:


Should never have sold likeness to Veidt. Veidt sells likeness to comic book companies. Companies take idea of bearded hobo-writer-wizard, combine with LOLSCHACH's likeness. Written as middle aged neurotic in dystopian 1985 world. Was younger then. Stupid. Had grade school vision of the world, needed the money. Regrets.

Remainder of 1985 no more than chaotic blur in furthest reaches of brain.

It is 2009. Veidt still lives. No choice. Need $7.75 each month. Grappling hooks and beans and sugar cubes and Oreos and pork chop sandwiches cost money. Crime fighting is charity. Hurm.

Watchmen merchandise from 1980s continue to haunt me. Cartoon Network subsidiary, Boomerang, currently rerunning animated series. Just played episode in which "nutty" LOLSCHACH defeats sinister terrorist Moloch the Malevolent with pie to face. Episode ends with public service announcement. LOLSCHACH tells children never to fight; solve all differences through civilized dialogue or parental intervention. Ehhh.

Go outside and punch first child I see in stomach.

4 comments:

  1. That's the best post until now!!

    I just couldn't stop laugh!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. LMAO at pork chop sandwiches!!!

    Poor kid Lol! Didn't even see it coming.

    ReplyDelete
  3. TAIL IS WHITE, INSTEAD OF PROPER FUCKING GINGER.
    INKBLOT FACE IS NOT FABRIC OVER SKIN.
    INKBLOT DOES NOT SHIFT PATTERNS.
    HAT IS NOT REMOVABLE.
    CUTIE MARK ON JACKET INSTEAD OF FLANK.
    CUTIE MARK IS INKBLOT, YET ALSO DOES NOT SHIFT PATTERNS.
    INKBLOT FACE CANNOT BE REMOVED TO SEE WHAT ONCE WAS WALTER KOLTVACS.
    PANTS ARE BLACK INSTEAD OF PINSTRIPE.
    GLOVES ARE BROWN INSTEAD OF MULBERRY.
    HATBAND ALSO TOO BLACK.
    SHOES ALSO WRONG COLOUR.
    BOTH INKBLOT FEATURES ARE ASYMMETRICAL.
    CUTIE MARK MISSING THE DOT THAT WOULD MAKE IT SYMMETRICAL.
    SCARF DOES NOT COVER NECK. INSTEAD LOOKS LIKE GAY PIRATE RUFFLE.

    NEVER HAVE I WANTED TO KILL ANYONE MORE THAN THE CREATOR OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT FAILURE OF A PONY.

    ReplyDelete