LOLSCHACH has been called many things in lifetime. Chief among them: "smelly". Not LOLSCHACH's fault. Armies of enemies constantly watching. Waiting. Waiting for LOLSCHACH's guard to drop. Waiting for LOLSCHACH to get naked. Have seen LOLSCHACH fanart on DeviantArt. LOLSCHACH knows what they want.
They will never have it.
Body odor is a problem, though.
Went to Dreiberg's place. Took batteries out of smoke alarms. Put sand in sugar bowl. Dry dog food in Coco Puffs. Usual Wednesday routine. Watched some TV when finished. Saw this guy:
Promised new miracle product. "ShamWOW". Not a towel. Not a shammy. A space-age fabric creation which literally sucks the moisture and filth from your body, somehow without killing you in the process. Solution to LOLSCHACH's problems. Instead of bathing and exposing perfectly chisled, rock-hard abdominal muscles to all the super villains, fangirls and Veidts of the world, can now simply wipe off all offending liquids with ShamWOW.
Call toll-free number. Pay with Dreiberg's credit card. Very excited about forthcoming addition to arsenal. Very excited about finally removing Ronald McDonald's blood from scarf.
Six to eight weeks pass. ShamWOW arrives. Anxiously rip open package. Never actually received any presents on Christmas, but imagine this is what the holiday felt like to all the fat, greedy children of the world. Remove soft yellow marvel from its cardboard prison.
The time is now.
Rub ShamWOW across blood stain on coat pocket. Nothing. Rub it across gravy stain on edge of scarf. Nothing. Rub it across froth, foaming rabidly out from between my furious, snarling teeth. Nothing.
ShamWOW is useless. Was duped into paying $29.99 for a washcloth. Someone is going to pay. Guy from commercial was annoying. Might as well mete out vengeance upon him.
ShamWOW guy got off light.