Wednesday, May 6, 2009

January 27, 1960: Green Cubes and Beans

Excerpt from "Green Cubes and Beans" by Dr. Seusschach, originally published January 27, 1960:

Seusschach was fighting crime at the local bar,
When in stepped Dreiberg who had come from afar.

Dreiberg went to Seusschach and looked up and said,
"You simply won't believe what I've just been fed!

"A glorious meal by all manner and means:
A piping-hot platter of green cubes and beans!"

"Hurm", replied Seusschach. "That sounds gross, wretched and sick.
I would not eat such a dish; not even one lick!"

But Dreiberg loved his food and had to have his way,
So he grabbed Seusschach's shoulder and started to say,

"Would you, could you, in this saloon?
Amid all the dirt, dankness and gloom?"

Seusschach was annoyed, but tried to stay calm.
He turned to Dreiberg and held up his palm.

"I would not, could not, in this saloon.
Now leave me be, you obese buffoon!"

But Dreiberg was convinced Seusschach was all wrong,
One way or another, he'd eat them before long!

Then Seusschach stepped outside and found Dreiberg there waiting,
With a herpes-ridden hooker whom he'd been dating.

"Would you, could you, with this whore?
You could eat them off the floor!"

Seusschach knit his brow and began to get pissed,
What part of "Fuck off" did Dreiberg somehow miss?

"I would not, could not, with that bitch!
The more you ask, the more I twitch!

"I would not eat them in that bar!
I'd sooner eat a bowl of tar!

"I do not and could not like green cubes and beans,
No more than I could like a retarded kid's screams!"

Then Seusschach scaled a building and climbed to the roof,
Dreiberg could not bug him if he just stayed aloof.

But Seusschach saw something that just made him snap:
Dreiberg was right there with his platter of crap!

"Would you, could you, thirteen stories up?
C'mon, I've seen you drink piss from a cup!"

Instead of a rhyme, Seusschach let out a snarl,
Then grabbed Dreiberg by the throat and screamed a mad "RRAAARRL!"

Dreiberg had just pressed his luck and now he would suffer,
Seusschach never compromises, not even for supper!

"I would not, could not, with a slut!
Not on a roof or in a beer hut!

"I'll break both your arms and step on your spleen!
And I'll never eat your green cubes and beans!"

Bones splintered and broken, Dreiberg was left howling,
But all Seusschach could hear was his own stomach growling!

So he picked up a cube and gave it a bite,
"Hurm", he said. "Hey Dreiberg, this shit tastes alright."

LOLSCHACH's Journal: May 06, 2009

Another one of my favorite childhood books written by uncle Seusschach. Gave a copy to Dreiberg for his birthday, last year. He didn't like it. Illiterate tub of lard. Greased his staircase in retaliation.


  1. HAHAH i like the part where dreiberg brings in a "herpes-ridden whore." what could possibly make him think Dr. Seusschach would eat it then?

    great poetry!

  2. Now if only someone would seriously make this into a real book.......>__>

  3. kj;hfdksugtf AHAHAA oh god, why is this blog the best of blogs? You guys are amazing!