Wednesday, May 20, 2009

12 Iyar, 2345 B.C.E. : Decalogue

Jewschach's Tablet: 12 Iyar, 2345 B.C.E.:

And lo, after conferring with the L-rd, Jewschach came down from the mountain and saw a terrible sight. All of the Hebrews, men and women, were writhing and grinding in front of a golden idol of Ramses II, the Pharaoh whom enslaved them. The women, painted up like prostitutes, exposed their breasts and the men were laying with one another all while a smile was set in the golden visage of Pharaoh.
And a great anger overcame Jewschach who raised the tablets on which the L-rd had inscribed the laws and hurled them at all of the Hebrews. A hole in the earth was opened and all of those who worshiped Ramses II were swallowed into it. They looked up at Jewschach and shouted, "Save us!" And feeling the L-rd guiding him, Jewschach replied, "No." And that was the end of those who worshiped the enslaver.
Jewschach then realized that he had broken the tablets on which the laws were written and decided he must return to the mountain and inform G-d that of which he had done. The L-rd then gave Jewschach new tablets inscribed with the laws which were to guide the people. And Jewschach returned from the mountain once again and pronounced the laws to the Hebrews:

I. Thou shalt impose meaning on this godless world.
II. Thou shalt not speak the word "Hurm" in vain.
III. Thou shalt not compromise.
IV. Thou shalt follow thy father's and mother's example. In their time of suffering, they ate their beans from a can. No heat was needed. Respect their example.
V. Thou shalt not kill... painlessly.
VI. Thou shalt not visit thy neighbor's whore. Except for information.
VII. Thou mayest borrow thy partner's food, especially if he is fat.
VIII. Thou shalt not tolerate false witnesses.
IX. Thou shalt remember to investigate thy neighbor's sodomy.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's gadgets, save his gas powered suction cup gun. Don't worry, thou shalt not understand this for quite some time.

LOLSCHACH's Journal: May 20, 2009:

Find it surprising how well my family keeps track of their genealogy. Thankful for it. Provides excellent guidance and insight into modern life. Not surprised that people have forgotten Jewschach's laws. Everyone has, everyone but LOLSCHACH.

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