LOLSCHACH's Journal: April 23, 2009:
This city's filth is finally getting to me. Become tired of choking on the cloud of lust and murder that's been covering the city for the last couple of months. Distracting me from my nightly exercises. Chance came to escape today when received call from a local authority, Smith, telling me of a string of thefts in park a couple of miles outside of town since March 21. Eager to help, but needed transport.
Did not go to Dreiberg, wish to avoid the awkwardness that has repeatedly occurred. Instead pay visit to Dr. Harlem. Walk into the nudist den where the doctor resides, his "laboratory", feeling the can of beans I had for breakfast trying to crawl up my throat. Swallow it back down, tastes even better. Explain to Harlem my need for transportation. He agrees to teleport me after initial hesitancy, and a second later, I find myself surrounded by forest.
Start investigation, looking for the thief Smith had complained about. But first, had to use restroom. Find port-a-potty, take care of business. Smell unpleasant but still, LOLSCHACH does not complain. Not Veidt. Not Dreiberg. Not a whiner.Then something slams against the port-a-potty's walls, knocking it and LOLSCHACH over. Stupid, caught unaware.Struggling to escape the scatalogical sarcophagus. Burst out the door to face my attacker, a huge furry man. One of Dreiberg's friends in fetish clothing? Then the man roars at me, bellowing fury. Must run and flee this furry fetish freak.
The man chases me on all fours, apparently having watched too many commercials for upcoming masked adventurer film.
Start climbing a tree to avoid being raped, reaching the highest branch and start to evaluate my attacker. Big, hairy, runs on all fours. Not a man. A bear. Hurm. Another bear wanders out of the forest, approaching my attacker. Seems to communicate with him and they disappear.
Stay in the tree, making sure that the bears are not trying to deceive and ambush me. Start to climb down when the bears return each with a pic-a-nic basket. What kind of a bear would pack a pic-a-nic basket? Clearly stolen. Clearly the thieves LOLSCHACH has been called to subdue. Evil must be punished, even in the face of grizzly bears I must not compromise on this.
I pull out Babysitter, and jump down from the tree onto the larger bear's back, wrapping the chain around its throat. The bear roars and bucks around, causing me to tighten the chain around its neck. Bear losing breath and in its death throws while the smaller bear stands by helpless. Finally, the bear collapses on the ground and the smaller bear runs off, not willing to follow his compatriot. Not willing to face death at the hands of LOLSCHACH.
I grab the basket, find a container full of beans and eat some. Sure the owners will not miss it. Small price to pay. Start walking to find Smith and inform him bears will no longer be a threat. And to ask for a ride.