Tuesday, April 21, 2009

April 21, 2009: Knight Fowl Profile

LOLSCHACH's JOURNAL: April 21, 2009

Currently waiting to give useful housewarming gift to old enemy Marduk. Fear.

Climbed garbage chute into his new apartment last night. Been waiting since then for him to show up. Sent him to prison years ago. Released today. Parole board swayed by bleeding-heart Veidt. Promised to give Marduk a job.

Must remember not to investigate.

Hurm. Boring to wait alone. Feel cold, even through coat. Tired of sitting in cramped position. Only relief is reading Modesty Blaise during toilet breaks.

Before coming here, invited ex- crime-fighting partner Donald Dreiberg, AKA Knight Fowl II, to accompany. Futile. He was always least courageous of Watchbusters. Still, could always be shamed into going out at 4 A.M. and doing something brave. No more. Dreiberg’s shame is down in basement, gathering dust, alongside Fowlsuit and Fowlship.

Meeting with him left bad taste in mouth. A butterball man-child with jowls beginning to hang like a wattle, whimpering among toys of superheroic past….

Might as well use this time to collate notes on Dreiberg. Maybe recalling old days will banish bad taste from mouth.


TRUE NAME: Knight Fowl II

LEGAL NAME: Donald Dreiberg


ALIAS(ES): Don Knight, Dan Dorfberg

BIRTHDATE: Late 1960s? Must remember to investigate.

AGE: Halfway between baby-fat face and old man’s clogged arteries.

EDUCATION: Too much.

WEIGHT: Ditto.

HEIGHT: Almost same as width.

OCCUPATION: Trust-fund baby. Has published research in poultry-science journal Gallus. Occasionally writes for Fowl Fancy magazine (under pseudonym Dan Dorfberg).

KNOWN HOBBIES: Furry conventions. Food. Collecting. [REDACTED], usually while wearing components of Fowlsuit. Aeronautical engineering. Eating. Writing fan-fiction and parodies (under pseudonym Don Knight).

KNOWN LIKES: Turducken. Darkwing Duck. Blue Beetle. Laura Uranjek, AKA Laura Uranus, AKA Satin Succubus II. Cowabunga Diner’s dessert menu. Rikki Tikki Tavern’s Butter Chicken Buckets. Cocks, claims Veidt. Seems obvious. Poultry motif indicates love of roosters.

KNOWN DISLIKES: Himself. Exercise. Hunger. Cockfights. Honest work. Possibly Lolschach.


VEHICLE: Fowlship.



1. Childhood (Birth – c. 1980)

Dreiberg always admitted he became masked adventurer for childish reason: idol-worship.

Knight Fowl II an inferior copy of earlier hero. Original Knight Fowl was tough policeman who grew up on family turkey farm. Spent off-hours as vigilante, disguised behind turkey mask. Vowed to “wring the neck” of organized crime. Largely succeeded. Became more than man. Became legend.

A living legend.

Legend inspired boy named Donald Dreiberg. Pampered son of poultry company head. Collected superhero comics. Collected superhero toys. Unsatisfied, wanted to collect real superhero: Persuaded father to sign Knight Fowl I as corporate spokesman. Then begged Knight Fowl I to take him on as sidekick. Knight Fowl I too much of a gentleman to refuse. Dreiberg began wearing chicken-themed Fowlsuit, calling self Knight Fowl II. Lacking mentor’s physical prowess, attempted to compensate with array of poultry-fetish crime-fighting gadgets.


2. Adolescence (c.1980 – Present)

Dreiberg inherited Knight Fowl legacy after food poisoning felled Knight Fowl I at company picnic. (Hurm. Must remember to investigate.)

At university, met Doctor Harlem. Collaborated on anti-gravity Fowlship. Experimental airship powered by used grease from university cafeteria. Fowlship’s nickname is “Foggy.” Once overheard explanation for nickname, while eavesdropping on Dreiberg and Miss Uranus. Conversation took place in Dreiberg’s basement, October 28th, 1981.


URANUS: Foggy?

DREIBERG: Oh, uh, it’s short for Foghorn Leghorn, the rooster from the old Looney Tunes. I was trying to think of an appropriate nickname for a, you know, a poultry-themed airship.

URANUS: So why Foggy? Why not Leggy? Or …. Huh. Yeah, it pretty much had to be Foggy, didn’t it.

DREIBERG: Yep, pretty much.


Fowlship debuted in raid on cock-fighting den. Knight Fowl captured eight criminals. Unfortunately, landed ship on top of cocks, crushing them.

First saw Fowlship and met Dreiberg in late 1980, while hunting master criminal Marduk the Marvelous. Decided to join forces. Dreiberg contributed transport and food to our crime-fighting team-up. I contributed the crime-fighting. Soon brought in Marduk. Good times. During victory party, challenged by drunken Dreiberg to arm-wrestling match. Beat him. Forced him to build me wall-scaling suction-cup/winch gun, when his arm recovered.

Joined “Watchbusters” team together, Spring of 1983. Believe Dreiberg was motivated by crush on token female Watchbuster, Laura Uranus.

Veidt sold rights to our names, likeness, stories in 1985. Highly fictionalized comic-book adaptation published in 1986. English warlock author renamed Knight Fowl as owl-themed character, changed Dreiberg's first name. Cannot recall, have lost copy of book. Try to dispel movie from memory. Owl character was obese, double-chinned middle-aged man. Drawings were extremely unflattering. Also prescient.

In 1989, Veidt bought out Dreiberg’s father’s poultry company.

In 1991, Dreiberg retired from adventuring, on flimsy pretext of “doctor’s orders.” That history is well known. No need to recount it here.

Remember, though, that he had a sidekick for a brief period. 9 year old boy. Do not know what happened to him. One day, just disappeared. Perhaps more will be revealed later. Have not bothered to ask Dreiberg what he is doing hanging around pre-pubescents. Probably meet through comic book conventions, Toys 'R Us visits, or Magic: The Gathering rituals.

Have continued to observe him since he quit. Stays cooped up inside townhouse most of time. Only ventures outside to go to take-out restaurants, comic book store, urologist. Only one variation in his life for past twenty years: getting fatter. Like chicken being readied for kill.

3. Adulthood (???)

Dreiberg already middle-aged, but will probably never reach adulthood. Even if lives to 100. Unlikely, given his diet.


Hurm. Bad taste lingers. Reminds me of rotten eggs.

Better stop writing. Flashlight beginning to dim. Fingers growing numb. Hope Marduk shows up soon. Tired of squatting inside his refrigerator.

1 comment:

  1. haha I like the first Knight Ow--I mean Fowl. very creative!