Monday, April 6, 2009

April 06, 2009: Another Nightmare

LOLSCHACH's Journal: April 06, 2009:

Another nightmare. Awful. Wouldn't wish it on worst enemies. Moloch. Veidt. Waiter who kicked me out of last restaurant, complaining of body odor.

Starts off in darkness. Sound of a crash landing. Stumble out of ship stunned.

Feel sluggish. Almost useless. Look around. Gather surroundings. Vision blurry. Utter confusion. Can only. Think in. Sentences of. Two words.

Look down and see gut bulging in front of me. Then goggles around my neck. Put them on, see clearly. Even more disturbed.

Go to pond and look in water. Observe reflection to confirm suspicions. No longer LOLSCHACH. Instead... Dreiberg? Suddenly get hungry for hot fudge tacos with side of pie and feel the urge to masturbate.

Then, dark riders on horseback arrive, throw net on me. Captured. More confusion, will it ever end? Haven't been this disturbed since reading uncle's journal. Dragged through forest, bumpy ride. Twigs and pebbles lodged in rolls of fat. Possible squirrel. Tickles. Can't stop thinking about the spicy greasiness of tacos and their tasty, tasty fix-ins.

No. Must focus. Must escape. Attempt to struggle only to be distracted by rumbling stomach and horrible, crooked erection. Dreiberg? Why am I Dreiberg?

Finally my captors arrive at their destination. Released from my bonds. Eyes adjust to the new light source. Shocked by appalling vision before me. No. No. No.

Multiple LOLSCHACHs look at me as if I am some kind of deviant. A strange animal. A chorus of "Hurms" greet me.

Being prodded at with sticks and violated in ways that even Veidt would find uncomfortable. "Fat." "Impotent." "Deviant." "Ehhhh." It's all too much. Why are these people wearing my face? Why can I not see own toes?

Yelling at them, "Give me back my face!" They respond with surprise, apparently at Dreiberg's ability to speak. I claw at them to get it back. "Get your hands off me you damn dirty Dreiberg." Starting to realize this is a dream. Makes no sense. LOLSCHACH would never say that. Famous movie quote is spoken from wrong characters. Charlton Heston rolling in grave.

Remembering ship I arrived in and that Dreiberg has GPS signal in glove. Spend several minutes digging device out of dried concrete of Frito crumbs. Send summons to ship. Comes within seconds. My captors, the impostors look up in amazement. I...Dreiberg looks up and shouts, "Save me." Engines of ship reply with thunderous "YES." LOLSCHACHs still confused. Film parody is collapsing in on itself.

Come back on ship, tacos prepared. Taken back home. Crash land in nation's capital. The crowning achievement of humanity's filth where politicians gather to chuckle about their plundering of good people. Walk up stairs to one of few beacons of hope left only to be confused once again, by something that could only come out of a bad science fiction film.

1 comment:

  1. I am so SURPRISED that this has no comments!

    This was the best one I've read yet. Absolutely hilarious.