Friday, April 3, 2009

April 03, 2009: Team Up

LOLSCHACH's JOURNAL: April 3, 2009

Spent hours sitting at the Cowabunga Diner, eavesdropping on a conversation from the Bun Heads. New gang in town, have been investigating them for weeks. Believe them to be responsible for setting a dolphin on fire and kidnapping one last week at city aquarium.

1st hours start with conversation about female mammary glands, then proceed to Nintendo Wii. Do not recognize name, but apparently is responsible for most of the Bun Heads' training. Probably Japanese sensei, training the gang in the deadly arts. Must remember for future reference. More talk about mammary glands, then "roast beef curtains" and fish tacos. High fives follow. Do not understand. Gang speaks in secret code, insider phrases. Perhaps has ties to local market district. Must inquire at Happy Harry's.

Then details of conversation take turn for the worst: words spoken that would make a PETA member cram Q-Tips in ears to drown out horrific babble. Member says to gang that conversation has inspired him to go home so that he can "spank the monkey." Other says that conversation entices him to "choke the chicken." Animal abuse is of no concern to me. Then leader says he will go home and "flog the dolphin." Heard enough. Time for action.

No dolphins will die today. Not on my watch.

Pay for coffee, $1.99. Had nothing but pennies. Waitress raises eyebrows at me, shakes head in displeasure. No tip for her.

Bun Heads take side alley off of 5th Street, a dark corridor of vermin and vomit, a labyrinth for normal people who encounter a minotaur of crime and ruined lives at the end of their dark passage. Only LOLSCHACH has the resolution to pass this way. Only LOLSCHACH can be Theseus. Plan to take shortcut, surprise attack from the rooftop. Cargo net of 150 bricks will end their torture of adorable marine life.

View action from rooftop. Alleyway is a valley of death. Rope is in hand, a tightly winded fist balancing life and the opposite of life. Body is cold, awaiting the pulse that comes from swift, brick-y justice.

Man suddenly appears from behind a dumpster. Looks like Hot Topic employee. Black trench coat, skull t-shirt, combat boots. Doesn't smile. Steven Seagal, perhaps. What does he want? Says words to the Bun Heads and suddenly all Hell breaks loose. Bun Heads scatter, take guns out and start firing. Man with skull t-shirt reaches into trench coat, draws out automatic weapons and begins firing. Think I hear techno music playing, observe things going in slow motion.

No time to consider ridiculousness of situation. 8 of the Bun Heads go down, 3 remain. I drop the load of bricks onto the one closest to me. Makes beautiful splash of scarlet on dirty concrete, a scream like the dull thud of a hooker in a sleeping bag being slammed against an oak tree. The man with the skull takes time to reload. The other 2 rush him. I drop down like a crazy, disgusting masked man from a rooftop. He will need some help.

One is taken by surprised, mouth open in fear. Punch swiftly, knuckles meeting what used to be teeth, clattering on concrete like Tic Tacs and ketchup strewn across the alley floor. Moans something unintelligible, like alley of retarded children. Break his sternum with my knee.

Skull-man takes out magnum. Head of other thug explodes like watermelon with dynamite inside.

Realization hits me. Have seen this man before. Ex-marine, lost wife and children during picnic in park. Food poisoning, perhaps. Swore vengeance on all criminals, goes on endless killing spree of the unjust. Lives in sewer, drives motorcycle, starred in low budget movies. Uses skills to hunt the wicked. Make them pay. Punish them.

Meet my two friends: Smith and Wesson.

Name escapes me. Captain Punishment? No. Punish-Man? Plausible.

"You're Laugh Shack," he says. "I've heard of you."

"Hurm," I say. "Bun Heads dead. Will not recover lost dolphin. Will be beaten, choked maybe."

"The dolphin was found alive in the aquarium 4 hours ago," he answers. "Swam to another part of the aquarium. Didn't come back till today."

"Why go after Bun Heads, then?" Curious.

"Gun runners. Drug traffickers. Held up nine 7-Elevens last week," he replies.

Did not know that.

He walks away. Feel no need to follow. Thought team up was decent.

There will be no dolphins flogged today.

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