Saturday, April 11, 2009

April 11, 2009: Pac-Land

LOLSCHACH's Journal: April 11, 2009

Massive increase in ecstasy, acid and prescription drug abusers in neighborhood lately. More pills littering the streets than cigarette butts. Don't like this. Confront nearest pusher. Drag him to second floor of building. Hurl him out of window. Repeat. Seven times. Agrees to tell everything he knows after second toss. The extra five were for fun.

Pills coming from place called "Pac-Land". Subterranean world where pills grow like wheat and are harvested just the same. Mission is clear. Must erradicate Pac-Land.

Follow the pusher's directions. Head down sewer tunnels in total darkness until at last arriving in Pac-Land.



Unusual location. Never ending maze of glowing neon corridors leading no place in particular. Trail of pills dot the ground. How they got there is unknown. Fresh produce such as oranges and cherries float about the winding halls on own power. Relevance of this is uncertain.

Preceding discoveries still not strangest element of Pac-Land. No. Pac-Land appears to be haunted by formless, multicolored spectres. These ghosts roam the mazes aimlessly, taking no notice of LOLSCHACH, the pills, the fruit or anything else. Like psychadelic phantasms from an opium dream. Decide to name them: Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde.


Blinky is favorite.

Mesmerizing tour of Pac-Land comes to screeching hault. A strange, colossal creature rounds the corner ahead of me. Beast is grotesque freak of nature, a tapestry of horror woven from the fevered nightmare's of a madman. Impossible to describe...



Mouth is large. Ravenous. This "Pac-Man" is greedily gobbling every pill it can find. Overdosing. Can tell by vacant, insane look in eyes.

Pac-Man spots me. Opens mouth obscenely wide, spewing froth in every direction. Emits blood-curdling shriek of "WAKU WAKU WAKU!" and charges in my direction.

Turn and run. Pac-Man is big and round and boasts an insatiable appetite. Reminds me of Dreiberg. Will need to use environment to subdue rampaging addict. Unfortunately, environment contains no useful resources. Just an endless trail of pills and fruit.

Suddenly, Blinky turns corner ahead of me and Pac-Man stops dead in tracks. Obviously afraid of ghosts. Tide of battle only turns my way for briefest of moments. Pac-Man runs to corner of maze and picks up large, glowing pill the size of soccer ball. Ingests it.

Do not understand what happens next. Look at self. Flashing blue and white. Feel weak. Feeble. Helpless. Pac-Man charges toward me. Chomps into Blinky with single bite, devouring him. No. Not Blinky. Was my favorite. Attempt to escape, but sudden onset of mysterious fatigue cripples me. Like a juggernaut, Pac-Man plows into me with mouth wide open, not stopping in the slightest. LOLSCHACH is eaten.

All goes black. Suddenly have out of body experience. Am drawn down corridors of maze by some unseen force. Look around, but do not see body. As if I am nothing but disembodied pair of eyeballs.

Heard story once. The blue-god man told it to me. Origin story. Was destroyed in intrinsic field experiment, spent months trying to pull self back together. First, circulatory system. Then eyes. Glowing blue penis next. Know now how that feels. Uncomfortable.

Eventually reach central chamber of maze. Instantly, LOLSCHACH is reconstituted. Eyeballs are returned to body. Took naked blue man months to reconstitute. LOLSCHACH does it in seconds. Amateur.

Hurm. Am I LOLSCHACH? The same LOLSCHACH? Or am I a copy? A clone? A remarkable facsimile, but not the original LOLSCHACH?

Dreiberg fat. Hate Veidt. Beans delicious. Blow-torching delinquents entertaining.

Yes. I am LOLSCHACH.

Leave Pac-Land. Avoid any further encounters with rampaging Pac-Man. Am certain Pac-Man is still within borders of Pac-Land, gorging self on pills. Good. Walk over to primary sewer valve and open it fully. Torrent of sewage rushes into entrance to Pac-Land. In a few hours, all of Pac-Land will be completely submerged in brown, disease-ridden water. Pac-Man will be no more. Pac-Pills will never threaten city again.

Alarming and troubling thought crosses mind.

Was Pac-Man a one of a kind monstrosity? Or could there be a...Ms. Pac-Man?

Question proceeds to keep LOLSCHACH up at night.

1 comment:

  1. He's a crazy one, that Pac-Man.

    ReplyDelete