Thursday, April 9, 2009

April 09, 2009: 10th Birthday Party

LOLSCHACH's Journal: April 09, 2009

Going through old journals. Reread them every so often. Perhaps find statement which meant nothing at time, but will strike me as clue now. Also bored. Simpsons not on until 7.

Find notebook labeled "LOLSCHACH: Year 10". Open it. Floodgates of nostalgia open wide. Swept away in riptide of memories like drunken teen going for midnight swim...

LOLSCHACH's Journal: July 24, 1979

Turn 10 today. Big day. Very excited. Only two more years and will be same age as Jonny Quest. One year closer to amazing globe-trotting adventures with small dog and turbin-wearing brown person. Future looks promising.

Take bath. Dislike it. Feel water invading crevices and entryways of body. Cannot stop the invading fluid. Surrounding me. Drowning me. If not for rubber ducky, bathtime would be no fun at all.

Go downstairs. Tell mother "Good morning". Mother hurls half empty bottle of scotch at me. Pick up bottle. Drink breakfast. Mother's cooking is incomparable.
Tell Mother it is 10th birthday. She recalls day of my birth. Says large scar on forehead was caused by clothes-hanger in failed abortion. Also says reason LOLSCHACH is so ugly is due to fetus only being half-scrambled by doctor.

Funny. Mother tells best stories.

Go out. Hot summer day. Been saving pennies since January. Will use copper currency to procure ice cream from mobile frozen treat vendor. Walk to street corner and await Good Humor Man. Not here. Will be by sooner or later. Must wait.

Six hours pass. Sun beats down. Must be vigilant. Children ride bicycles past me. One sticks out tongue and razzes in my direction. No. Not on birthday. Not ever.

Leave post at street corner and dash toward child. Sees me coming. Attempts to peddle faster. Can't. Going uphill. Might as well be at stand still. Reach child and shove him off bicycle. Boy is crying. Threatening to tell older brother on me. Coward. Sissy. Stupid head.

Smash face against large nut on side of hydrant. Tell him to stick out tongue. Stuck tongue out at me before. Tongue must be punished. Boy refuses. Continue smashing face against hydrant. No teeth left. Nothing to protect tongue from vengeance of LOLSCHACH, now.

That sound.

Good Humor Man. Passing by street corner. No. Stupid. Preoccupation with insignifigant punk distracted me from initial purpose. Drop sobbing boy in pool of own blood, teeth and tears. Chase after ice cream truck with emptied Miller Lite can full of pennies held high.

Truck does not stop. Disappears over horizon. Ice cream is lost. For today.

Return home, defeated but not disheartened. Only Mother's cooking could salvage this birthday. Mother hurls bottle of schnapps at me. Pick up bottle. Drink dinner.

Despite setback, still enjoyed birthday. No presents. Presents are for greedy, fat, spoiled children. Why be rewarded simply for surviving another year? No. LOLSCHACH needs no presents. Needs no cake. Needs no party hats or streamers.

Knowledge that bully has been met with tooth-smashing justice only gift LOLSCHACH needs.

LOLSCHACH's Journal: April 9, 2009

Recall 10th birthday well. Last pleasant memory.

Followed childhood dream of becoming Jonny Quest. Eventually became crimefighter and indulged in globe-trotting adventures with fat man, scantilly clad hooker, nude Herculean demigod and possible homosexual.

Not as exciting or fulfilling as in childhood fantasies. Lifetime of disappointment followed. Hurm. Time for Simpsons.

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