March 19, 2009: Gotham City

LOLSCHACH's Journal: March 19, 2009

Spent day pounding poorly bred miscreants into ground like stake through heart of vampire. Exhausting work. Needed quick energy boost. Grabbed Snickers bar from nearby vending machine.

Took first bite. Tasted something that was not peanut, nugat, caramel or chocolate. It was cockroach. Called telephone number on back of wrapper to report dissatisfaction. Fifty-seven rings. No answer.

Will not let such corporate irresponsibility slide without reprisal. Left for Mars, Incorporated headquarters in Gotham City.

Arrive in Gotham after sundown. Streets are littered with used syringes and used condoms. The people reek of fecal matter and all surfaces are sticky to the touch. Unpleasant location. Makes stomach turn. Must solve Snickers case quickly.

Arrive at Mars corporate offices within the hour. Fire grappling hook and scale building. Reach rooftop: approached by large, scowling man dressed in bat costume. Man glowers at me. Says that Gotham City is out of my jurisdiction.

Entire world is LOLSCHACH's jurisdiction.

Unhinged man in costume disagrees, screams "My parents are deeeaaaad!" and strikes me with the swiftness of small, winged rodent.

Recover quickly and counter with crowbar. Bat-man dodges and reaches into neon yellow fanny-pack. Pulls out aresol can of "Bat-crowbar repellent". Sprays crowbar. Crowbar dissolves. Punches LOLSCHACH in kidneys.

Slightly winded. Look up at adversary. He is dancing a variation of the "watusi". Considering theme, he likely refers to it as "batusi". Hurm.

Reminds me of 1985, Saturday morning "Watchmen" cartoon in which LOLSCHACH juggled pies and was "nutty". Hate that show. Received minimal residuals. Never signing away likeness again.

Memory of technicolor monstrosity fuels LOLSCHACH with renewed vigor. Tell the Bat-man that his parents are standing behind him, holding Christmas presents. Foolish, caped man-child falls for ruse. Turns around. I take off scarf, wrap it around Bat-man's throat. Bat-man struggles. Reaches into fanny pack for can of "Bat-scarf repellent". Used elbow, knocked it from his hands.

Minutes pass.

Bat-man eventually crumbles into heap of thumb-sucking unconsciousness. Likely dreaming of dead parents. Dreaming they will one day return. They are rotting in pine box six feet beneath soil. Never coming back.

Grab grappling hook line and repel down side of building. Reach festering, grimey sidewalk. Remember that I needed to infiltrate Mars offices for replacement candy bar.

Too tired.

Go home.

Just a candy bar.